Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Eyes on the back of my head

The title of this post is normally used to describe a sixth sense that some people have which gives the eerie feeling that they can see everything thats going on, even things that are done behind their back. But in the context of this post, i'm using it to describe the feeling of having eyes looking AT the back of my head.

I hate the part of me that bothers about how people look at me. Not all the time. Just when i want to write something from the bottom of my heart.
Like now, when i blog.
It never used to bother me when i blogged before, but recently my posts have been getting some unprecedented attention. Its not like i've become an e-celebrity or anything, more like my previously obscure blogs have been brought a bit more into the public light.

This is NOT a post against the people who have been reading, sharing or recommending my blog. And i fully accept that i was the one who opened up my blog to a more public viewing. I appreciate all the views, all the comments and feedback. My day is made just that much brighter when i notice that more people have read my blog, or *gasp*commented on it (Er, not that i keep a track of it....everyday...":-D)

This IS a post against that part of me which i believe everyone has their own version of. My own little prima donna. The diva that lives in everyone's hearts. That little voice in our heads that makes you re-think what you're doing or saying with the audience in mind. Again, i do not hate this part of me all the time. In fact, i admit that it is a very useful part of me/us, especially in this socially networked world where a little comment can go a long way to making/breaking a person's reputation.

But i don't need it yapping away when i want to pour out my heart on a subject. Its like having a dam built on the river of my soul, draining the reckless abandon with which my creativity is fueled. I need to overcome it. I need to yank off the yoke of sobriety which i automatically put on when i feel someone is watching me.
This isn't Facebook. This isn't a social networking site, where our pictures and posts and likes are all posted to be put under public scrutiny. This is my Blog. Over the past 2 weeks, i have drafted around 4 posts that i just can't seem to properly finish or continue, because i'm afraid that i might write/post them with my censorship mode still on. I DONT want to post some accessible popular culture shit. I WANT TO POST MY LIFE, ME, MY THOUGHTS, MY SOUL.

This ends NOW. Begone, you Balrog that haunts the Moria of my blog. Begone you shadow of fire and flame. In the words of Gandalf the Grey,


No comments: