Thursday, January 31, 2013

Intrusion of Privacy - The Blitz Invasive

Previous Acquaintance serves as the Invitation Card
Distilled Beverage plays the role of icebreaker

In a moderately lit, medium size, mediocre inn
So near and far from our homes, both the departed one
And the other soon to be arriven.

I do not keep close watch, nostalgia grips me.

Three in number, Modest in clothing
Smiles wide, arm stretches out in clasp of friendship
Caretaker welcomes the welcome faces

That provide a vague memory of companionship past
And of ones mayhap be forged anew.

I notice them, interest unpiqued.

Consumption of intoxication, with froth and frolic
Recount Tales of times past and forgotten
Some are vivid, others probably hallucinated
As sharpness of mind dulls with passage of time
Appendages under it are set more free.

I survey them, lopsided thoughts asunder.

The Seed are proclaimed, vaunted and touted
Of large girth and Smart build,
A blessing from Jehovah and continuation of legacy
Attention is turned to the fledglings of the nest
Appearances are straightened to please.

I smile at them, half attention turned to future joy.

Eyes glint and Smiles Widen,
"Yes, the growth seems good and the height seems right
But what lays out may cover soft inside", he proclaims
And changes direction of face to mine
Partakes another sip of declining wine.

I frown at him, focus shifts to his active pose.

Dark silhouettes alone remembered,
Not a line of face or impression of features
Not even the size or depth of body figure
As elder hand darts out a sudden
And catches the collar with a jerk

I squirm, thrown upon false hope of comfort.

Laughter abounds as shoulders are pinned down
Boozen breath encompasses all smell
And hand stretches down to lower tunic
Clasping metal key to portal of privacy
And pulls sharply down to pry open

I grimace, small smile hides growing fear.

PRIVACY VIOLATED, NO WARNING WAS GIVEN.
INVASIVE BLITZ, NO SHIELD WAS SET UP.
MANHOOD REVEALED, IN ALIEN GRASP.
CAUGHT OUT AND PULLED UP, PUT ON DISPLAY
THE AIR IS COLD, THE TOUCH IS CHILLING
BLOOD RUNS COLD, SHAME GROWS QUICKENING.
TEST OF MASCULINITY,
PROBING OF SANITY,
THOUGH THE MOMENT IS FLEETING,
HIDDEN HATE LASTS ETERNITY!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Shuffle and Sweep!

Time slows down, Surroundings blur, Noise gets zoned out and your body goes limp in the arms of 'The One' as he hoists you and carries you into the sunset. Congratulations you have just been swept off your feet. And Congratulations, you're a Drama Queen.

Now now, before you call me a fuddy duddy unromantic stick in the mud, i have nothing against this particular scene. If two people are actually able to enact this scene naturally, and share a special moment in their lives, more power to them. I personally would love this happening to me in the future, though how long i can hold the lucky damsel (or is that unlucky) in my arms would be a predicament.
What i do have an issue with, is that people, and not just women, believe that it is some sort of stamp of approval for 'the relationship'. Some even take it to mean its a sign of a romantic story that ends with a Happily ever after. I've been in two relationships and both had similar circumstances and moments played out. Take note that the last sentence was written in the past tense.
Are you sure that you want to stake the entirety of a relationship, with its complexities, little nitpicking moments, misunderstandings and adjustments, on one sole, admittedly special moment? No matter how perfect its played out?

While men obviously want to make the best impression on women and will try their best TO sweep them off their feet, i think i can say on behalf of most men, we'd be pretty happy with just a shuffle of the feet in our general direction. It doesn't even have to be a confident pitter-patter of excitedness. A nervous, clumsy stumbling shuffle is many a times more comfortable for the guy himself, who isn't exactly in his comfort zone either. When you think about it, how can he be? When his actions and demeanour are measured against the standards of such stalwarts like Clark Gable, James Dean, Brad Pitt, Richard Gere and Hugh Grant.

Men truly interested in a relationship are not looking for an instantaneous 100% satisfactory response. The woman that looks dreamily into the eyes of a guy she doesn't even know that well, and says she loves him just because he gave her one special moment doesn't sound overtly healthy.
Contrary to popular belief, we can actually play the deep, patient, understanding partner if given the chance. But to do so, we would like a little nod to show us the way. It doesn't have to be an obvious signboard with blinking fluorescent lights, just a little sign of approval that can make us feel like we're not obsessed stalkers as we go about dedicating our life, piece by piece to another human being who hopefully shares her life too.

I AM a romantic. I believe in the whole old school Chocolates, Flowers and Walking hand in hand through a Garden shtick. But i have to admit, the whole sweeping off the feet thing is an impossible situation, the way most women imagine it to be. The 'right guy' does not just pop out of the blue, the Knight in Shining armor doesn't always come riding in a White Horse. Sometimes by the time he arrives, he's removed his armor, thrown away the sword and shield and gotten off his horse so that he can stand face to face with his princess, and feel her touch as he hugs her passionately. And most of the times he's a person you've already known in your life, but never looked at in a certain way.

Sometimes the feeling of getting swept off your feet doesn't happen with a guy in a tux and a girl in a gown in a perfectly lit evening with a romantic background and gasping cheering onlookers. Sometimes it happens as you sit side by side watching a show together, as you walk in a crowded street with the guy making way for the girl.
Sometimes, the sweeping off of the feet comes AFTER your relationship is solidified and you know that you can truly trust the person you are standing with, or hovering in the air in his arms with. And in many ways, that can be THE most special way of being swept off your feet.

Note : This is just me rambling on, not self-referential at alllll >_>

Dear Bette Davis Eyes



I know that this probably won't ever reach you. I also know that even if it did, its probably redundant considering the fact that my feelings for you aren't exactly a secret to you, or to a certain few friends of ours. But even though i did say i really liked you, and you acknowledged it, i never really got to explain the way i feel or how these feelings came to be. I'm not overemphasizing it, i know that this is probably just a crush because we barely got to meet that much (even though the few times we did were an unexpected pleasure) and we both don't even know that much about each other, the nuances and subtleties that make a person who he or she is. I also realise that this, being a crush, is probably just the product of a fervent heart and feverish mind and the way i look at you or portray you here is purely from my feelings. But i do know that these feelings are strong, atleast for now, and it helps me when i get these things off my chest and mind, atleast onto a written form, no matter how embarrassing they might turn out to be later on. So, here it is, my mind, soul and heart laid bare at this particular moment, for this particular experience in my life.

I don't know when the exact moment i started finding you attractive was. A little secret is that i found you adorably cute back when we first met, with your shy nature and sweet smile and your few extra pounds. But back then, and i'm not saying this just to excuse myself, it would take me another 2 years to actually develop the maturity to be truly attracted to a girl, lady or woman in a not-so-innocent way and if i am to be entirely honest here, i was in the middle of a childhood crush at the time.
Maybe it was when we met each other again out of the blue after such a long time, and how we didn't recognise each other until our parents started talking to each other. Maybe it was when we had a reunion of sorts over coffee with our mutual friend and your sister.

What i do know for sure, though, is the exact moment that you hit me like a ton of lead bricks falling from the sky and left me completely dumbstruck. It was outside of a church, right after a wedding service and i was standing on the roadside close to the entrance of the church waiting for a few of my friends to get ready. Hands in my pocket, wondering about the reception that was about to happen and thinking about how i was going to get my car out of that traffic mess.
I innocently turned my head to look around at the crowd.
To be honest, i don't even remember what you were wearing that day, the colour, the type of dress, the length.

I remember your eyes. We were standing atleast 10 feet away from each other, around 15 people between us. And I remember your eyes.
Half closed, with that oh-so-subtle natural smokey seductiveness that i can't stop noticing since then.
Your Bette Davis eyes.
And your smile. Kind of crooked towards the right, not too showy but showing just enough emotion to know that you were happy. Your hands were folded, arms outstretched down the front and you were holding something in your hand. Your back was arched in an angle that wasn't straight but wasn't too curvy either.
I like to think that it was when you saw me seeing you that you smiled but i'm not entirely sure, but it was when we made eye contact (or atleast when i made contact with your eye) that everything stopped moving.
The world froze for 2 seconds.
I remember us making conversation, but it was just words giving excuse for a chance to stand beside you and be looking at you without being overbearing or feeling like a stalker.

After the event, I brushed it aside. Logic took over. Too many things to consider, too many things that blocked me from you. And i covered it up with thoughts of everything that was affecting my life more pressingly then.
But the seed was planted. Even when my friends set me up on dates, even when i tried my best to be as openly available to relationships and flings.
And then i left town.

'Your blog is good' *Note* If you want to get a guy's attention, knowingly or unwittingly, there is no better way than appreciating something he considers a creation of his own. Especially when its an internet venture fueled by artistic expression and isn't obviously accessible. Who knows how you got to know that i wrote a blog, much less be interested in checking it out, but in my mind that set a few wheels rolling.
Yes, i posted the link on my Facebook profile, but few people even know such a feature exists. And even if they did, how many people actually check out another person's details and profile that thoroughly unless they were atleast a little bit interested. 
Damn the fact that you could've just been idly passing the time randomly checking out people's facebook uploads and statuses, damn the fact that you were probably just being polite.
In my mind, it was like a sign. Lol. I just had to lol right now, sorry about that. *Cough**Cough*

There are an unlimited number of ways i can portray myself as unworthy for wooing someone's affections. I used to do it all the time. Variations of "i'm not good enough"+"she won't get me"+"Our circles are different" types of reasons. But since the time i've been going on dates, i've matured in a way that i can choose to protray myself and not be affected much with how the person reacted because in the end i'll always have me, and i don't want to ever be hitched to a person i can't be myself with. 
It was so natural when i went out with you. In a totally unnatural way. I've been in relationships before, i've loved and been loved. I've been in awkward situations where i had no idea how to go about them, and i've been in totally easy situations where everything was properly controlled. When you let me take you out, it SHOULD have been an awkward situation. It SHOULD have been me stumbling around, uneasy and nauseous. But it wasn't. You were an unknown variable, still probably are. I didn't know what you liked, how you went about doing things, how you preferred to talk. But you made me want to find out. You still do. Even when i asked you out on a date, and you politely declined, i SHOULD have been naturally backing away. And maybe its really superficial of me to base my reason not to on this, but you smiled and you looked at me when you did. Do you know your nose twitches a bit when you get nervous? Do you know that you have a slight clumsiness about you when you walk? Especially when you go down a slope? Do you know that you have the most comfortable way of being nervous?

I don't regret a thing that happened or didn't happen, obviously i wished that something more substantial came out of all this, and sometimes i wonder what would've happened if i had played the bad guy when i had the chance. But i didn't. I played me, with you. And i'm happy, because i was able to be me, with you. I also wonder, were you ever really yourself with me? Not just trying to adjust to me, or portraying a persona that you thought suited the occasion and my company? But that was your choice, and i can do nothing but wonder.

And maybe this won't go any further. Maybe i'll forget you and we may never meet again. Maybe we'll keep in touch and become friends and totally familiar with each other laughing about the time i thought about wooing you. Or maybe, just maybe, something might happen. Maybe the dream i have of a lady in front of me, on top of a castle, with a lake reflecting the full moon in the background, looking back at me smiling, in a silver gown turns out to be you. Maybe the laughter of the girl running through the green fields on the slope of icy mountaintops, turns out to be yours. Maybe the touch of the woman's hand on mine as we sit in front of a fire in a cottage alone at night, as crickets mate and firewood crackles, turns out to be yours.  

Everything, or Nothing, as long as it is Something, and not just Anything.