Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Dear Bette Davis Eyes

I know that this probably won't ever reach you. I also know that even if it did, its probably redundant considering the fact that my feelings for you aren't exactly a secret to you, or to a certain few friends of ours. But even though i did say i really liked you, and you acknowledged it, i never really got to explain the way i feel or how these feelings came to be. I'm not overemphasizing it, i know that this is probably just a crush because we barely got to meet that much (even though the few times we did were an unexpected pleasure) and we both don't even know that much about each other, the nuances and subtleties that make a person who he or she is. I also realise that this, being a crush, is probably just the product of a fervent heart and feverish mind and the way i look at you or portray you here is purely from my feelings. But i do know that these feelings are strong, atleast for now, and it helps me when i get these things off my chest and mind, atleast onto a written form, no matter how embarrassing they might turn out to be later on. So, here it is, my mind, soul and heart laid bare at this particular moment, for this particular experience in my life.

I don't know when the exact moment i started finding you attractive was. A little secret is that i found you adorably cute back when we first met, with your shy nature and sweet smile and your few extra pounds. But back then, and i'm not saying this just to excuse myself, it would take me another 2 years to actually develop the maturity to be truly attracted to a girl, lady or woman in a not-so-innocent way and if i am to be entirely honest here, i was in the middle of a childhood crush at the time.
Maybe it was when we met each other again out of the blue after such a long time, and how we didn't recognise each other until our parents started talking to each other. Maybe it was when we had a reunion of sorts over coffee with our mutual friend and your sister.

What i do know for sure, though, is the exact moment that you hit me like a ton of lead bricks falling from the sky and left me completely dumbstruck. It was outside of a church, right after a wedding service and i was standing on the roadside close to the entrance of the church waiting for a few of my friends to get ready. Hands in my pocket, wondering about the reception that was about to happen and thinking about how i was going to get my car out of that traffic mess.
I innocently turned my head to look around at the crowd.
To be honest, i don't even remember what you were wearing that day, the colour, the type of dress, the length.

I remember your eyes. We were standing atleast 10 feet away from each other, around 15 people between us. And I remember your eyes.
Half closed, with that oh-so-subtle natural smokey seductiveness that i can't stop noticing since then.
Your Bette Davis eyes.
And your smile. Kind of crooked towards the right, not too showy but showing just enough emotion to know that you were happy. Your hands were folded, arms outstretched down the front and you were holding something in your hand. Your back was arched in an angle that wasn't straight but wasn't too curvy either.
I like to think that it was when you saw me seeing you that you smiled but i'm not entirely sure, but it was when we made eye contact (or atleast when i made contact with your eye) that everything stopped moving.
The world froze for 2 seconds.
I remember us making conversation, but it was just words giving excuse for a chance to stand beside you and be looking at you without being overbearing or feeling like a stalker.

After the event, I brushed it aside. Logic took over. Too many things to consider, too many things that blocked me from you. And i covered it up with thoughts of everything that was affecting my life more pressingly then.
But the seed was planted. Even when my friends set me up on dates, even when i tried my best to be as openly available to relationships and flings.
And then i left town.

'Your blog is good' *Note* If you want to get a guy's attention, knowingly or unwittingly, there is no better way than appreciating something he considers a creation of his own. Especially when its an internet venture fueled by artistic expression and isn't obviously accessible. Who knows how you got to know that i wrote a blog, much less be interested in checking it out, but in my mind that set a few wheels rolling.
Yes, i posted the link on my Facebook profile, but few people even know such a feature exists. And even if they did, how many people actually check out another person's details and profile that thoroughly unless they were atleast a little bit interested. 
Damn the fact that you could've just been idly passing the time randomly checking out people's facebook uploads and statuses, damn the fact that you were probably just being polite.
In my mind, it was like a sign. Lol. I just had to lol right now, sorry about that. *Cough**Cough*

There are an unlimited number of ways i can portray myself as unworthy for wooing someone's affections. I used to do it all the time. Variations of "i'm not good enough"+"she won't get me"+"Our circles are different" types of reasons. But since the time i've been going on dates, i've matured in a way that i can choose to protray myself and not be affected much with how the person reacted because in the end i'll always have me, and i don't want to ever be hitched to a person i can't be myself with. 
It was so natural when i went out with you. In a totally unnatural way. I've been in relationships before, i've loved and been loved. I've been in awkward situations where i had no idea how to go about them, and i've been in totally easy situations where everything was properly controlled. When you let me take you out, it SHOULD have been an awkward situation. It SHOULD have been me stumbling around, uneasy and nauseous. But it wasn't. You were an unknown variable, still probably are. I didn't know what you liked, how you went about doing things, how you preferred to talk. But you made me want to find out. You still do. Even when i asked you out on a date, and you politely declined, i SHOULD have been naturally backing away. And maybe its really superficial of me to base my reason not to on this, but you smiled and you looked at me when you did. Do you know your nose twitches a bit when you get nervous? Do you know that you have a slight clumsiness about you when you walk? Especially when you go down a slope? Do you know that you have the most comfortable way of being nervous?

I don't regret a thing that happened or didn't happen, obviously i wished that something more substantial came out of all this, and sometimes i wonder what would've happened if i had played the bad guy when i had the chance. But i didn't. I played me, with you. And i'm happy, because i was able to be me, with you. I also wonder, were you ever really yourself with me? Not just trying to adjust to me, or portraying a persona that you thought suited the occasion and my company? But that was your choice, and i can do nothing but wonder.

And maybe this won't go any further. Maybe i'll forget you and we may never meet again. Maybe we'll keep in touch and become friends and totally familiar with each other laughing about the time i thought about wooing you. Or maybe, just maybe, something might happen. Maybe the dream i have of a lady in front of me, on top of a castle, with a lake reflecting the full moon in the background, looking back at me smiling, in a silver gown turns out to be you. Maybe the laughter of the girl running through the green fields on the slope of icy mountaintops, turns out to be yours. Maybe the touch of the woman's hand on mine as we sit in front of a fire in a cottage alone at night, as crickets mate and firewood crackles, turns out to be yours.  

Everything, or Nothing, as long as it is Something, and not just Anything.  

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you know what Michael, I always knew you would become the romantic sensitive type.. back when you were still a young boy playing HERCULES at our home, you were always so sensible. You would always converse with us, the ladies on some topics that were mostly romantic. Simple thing you complimenting us on our looks etc..For a young boy of your age, that was pretty incredible. My point is, Its a good thing to be sensitive like you. Trust me, most guys arent..ergo all relationship problems. :) keep the romance alive...