Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Hold 'em Tight, Push 'em Away

I push people away. 2 Specific types of people. The people i want to push away (obviously), and The people i would love to love.

You see, when i tried to take my life all those years back, when i was at the utmost bottom of my life, i was dead inside. I lost my feeling for everything and anyone.

It was as if nothing was real anymore.

Which is the only psychosane way i can explain why i JUMP at "Real" any chance i get now. Whenever i feel something real, especially when its something alien and unexpected, i just dive into it like a Bee to Nectar.

You, my closest friends, anyone i feel any sort of connection with, i rush into stuff. I squeeze you all so hard before even letting you get close enough to me to hug me back.

Because i know its real. And because i know that its something worthable.

But one lesson i've learnt over time, is that something can be genuine, but it doesn't mean it can be shared.

Especially love.

Bullshit, the stuff that they feed people in Romantic novels, Movies and Love songs.

I used to think that if i ever fell in Love with someone, and it was genuine, then it just had to happen. That love was symmetry. That love was poetic justice. That even if it didn't, it was because i didn't find a way to convey the authenticity of my feelings and emotion to the other person.

Cold hard reality is that I may feel something completely real and cling to it like crazy, doesn't mean YOU feel it too. Not because of any fault of mine, or any defect on yours (pfft). But just because. Just because.

Love isn't symmetry, it has to be made symmetry.

I found out with HER, and i've reaffirmed it with YOU. And sometimes, HER much more than YOU, is because i rushed in, took away the wind from the sails because i was so excited at finding something so incredibly fulfilling, something so hauntingly beautiful.

And i end up pushing you all away.

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