I am a selfish man!! The following post is an account of a conversation i imagined myself having with a certain person (who shall not be named) after having an epiphany in the place where most epiphanies seem to happen, the bathroom.
The visit i had to Bengaluru for a concert proved to be a very enlightening and pivotal experience for reasons that are more varied than aural satisfaction. I addressed an issue that has been nagging me for the better part of about 5 years. After i had this conversation the first instinct i had was to address it to the person in a letter stating the importance and significance of the events and thoughts that had occurred. This, i realised, was the first of several instances that contributed to me coming to the conclusion that i am a selfish person. Sure this event was incredibly important and significant. In fact, i am sure that even after a few decades, i will look back at those moments i spent in the shower and realise the important pivotal significance they had on my life and the choices that i have yet to make. But this importance was for me and me alone. To that person, it probably would be something to look back and laugh at, if she (oops!!) looks back at all. But i just had to get it off my chest and there could be no way for me to do this without addressing the person concerned. Another instance of my selfishness. So therefore, reasoning with myself, i came to the conclusion that i post this in my blog. As such what is posted following this is an account of my thoughts as i wished to send them to the person in the letter or whatever choice of communication i would have chosen and therefore i will also be using a personal addressing of first person to second person conversation :
I know this is kind of weird of me to contact you this way especially after the conversation we had at the end of our little outing. But i realised something only after going home and thinking the whole situation over. This letter to you is just a way for me to let off some steam so for all sense and purpose, you have no obligation to finish reading this. I just HAD to send this to you to get it off my chest and since i didnt have the confidence to meet you, or more specifically, i know that i would be completely tongue-tied and incoherent if we actually met about this, so selfishly i chose to send this to you in written. (Ed note - which i couldnt manage to do at all, heh). One thing i felt needs to be said is that you and times ,me myself, undervalue the significance you have had on my life. When i said you were like a puzzle, a conundrum or a paradox that i HAD to fix in my head, i was probably understating things. You see, first of all the reasons that i, after 5 years of basically skipping or going crazy over these particular thoughts, decided to finally face you about it are 2 in major number.
Firstly, recently i have entered into a relationship of romantic terms with a person. I think i can truly love her. At the very least i believe i am dedicated to her and this relationship. Thus, stuff which i psychologically used to ignore regarding you before and the impact you have on my life were suddenly huge barriers for me to personally advance forward in the relationship. For example, there is a song that i composed recently. Its a short 2 minute instrumental with simple progressions. But a lot of emotions went into its creation. And though i have named it in honour of her (yes i am not gay), i cant help deny the fact that even though me starting on the composition was solely driven by my thoughts of her, the actual completion and working out of the structure was due to an amalgamation of my thoughts of her and you. You can see how this poses a personal problem for me.
Secondly, i am at the eve of my final year in college as are you. Or atleast our bachelor degrees (which according to my parents is all i need due to their insistence on my future Indian Civil Service Career, bleh!!). For normal people who are at this same position (of which you are most probably a part of), its just another stepping stone in the path to an uncertain future. But not for me. You see, when i attempted at a vague point about 4 years in the past to commit suicide, a part of me DID die. I vaguely remember that the only reason i am still alive for the most part today is because of something one of my 'aspects' asked me to consider, that there is a reason beyond mere survival that people lived and that i should dedicate myself to finding it, and if possible, enjoying it as well. As such, i believe that none of the usual vices that entrap man have any grip on me. Stuff such as Money, Alcohol, Drugs and even sexual satisfaction, which we can probably put under Human afflictions actually have that much of a hold on me beyond what i need to survive. So, if i am permitted a moment of self posturing, i can say that only so-called heavenly afflictions concern me. I can honestly say that if i help a friend or hold a baby or even love a person, i do it for the purest of intentions unless there are other hands at work, in which case human afflictions again are the factors and they are alien in nature. Anyway, that means that i do not have a particular ambition as such that can truly drive me for any monetary or seemingly society driven value. The allure of the Indian Civil Service no longer affects me. Nor does the desire to obtain any particular financial position or any position for the purpose of, as my dad puts it, attaining 'respect, power and influence' over people through the Civil Service. So i'm kinda stuck in a rut about what to do with the rest of my life.
Now the conclusion of all this is that we met. And we discussed. And yes, it felt amazing being able to get it off my chest properly face to face with you. But then, something started nagging me. And it was back to the old thinking cap and hey, i had about 4 days to properly and freely think about it. And the darndest thing that i came up with is this....and get ready for this because this is a whopper : I want to be a Father!!!
Yup, a father!!
No wait, it doesnt mean i'm a psycho who wants to hump everything that moves just to get babies/has no probably getting babies in return (and hopefully never). I truly wish to be a father for , what i believe to be, the noblest reason possible. No, i'm not insane, neither am i being incredibly narrow, in fact i believe that i am free. I am freed of all those insanities that others follow or choose to follow in some bid to find meaning in life as quick as possible. I mean, i always believed that to truly attain enlightenment, one had to go back to the very basics of nature, to the very basics of what and why we truly are. In that journey i came across many options and desires to go back to our primal self and based on that, i can truly say that i believe i have found what i have been looking for.
I want to have a son. Or a daughter. And i promise to be the best father possible. I know thats a cliched line but its true. My unique upbringing and my mentality ensure that my offspring, my flesh and blood will be truly brought up in the best way possible. Once, in one of my abstract, aspect related moments, i believed that i was the second coming. That i was something truly unique and destined for greatness of some kind. I now know that i was wrong. It isnt me who is destined for greatness or to go down in history, my task is to use the unique experiences i believe i have gone through to bring up a child that is truly great. And no, this isnt a megalomaniacal cry to bring up a 'perfect' successor. No matter how 'flawed' he or she may be, i will truly with all of my heart and soul love him ,her or them. I will give them the upbringing that i always wished i had. One where EVERY road possible is opened, where no one can say, this isnt right or this isnt possible. It doesnt matter if you or anybody else thinks i am a maniac or i am crazy. Because all that matters is that i dont. I have been to the deepest, darkest depths of depravity possible, and i have also seen the light at the loftiest pinnacles of existance and belief. I am quite possibly the most open minded person in history, and though i may be struck down by lightning for saying this, more so than even God. I would not desire any form of reward from my children. My love would truly be unconditional. And if my theory is right, you and your kin will be perfect, perfect not as the world, natural or human views it, not as some supernatural being perceives it, not by some book, holy or not, but by me. And i believe perfection is imperfection. As it is, i realise that i truly am the paradox, the conundrum, the puzzle in my head. I know that all that is required to bring this whole thought and will of mine down, is the breaking of just a few rungs of the ladder that i have propped up to reach the dizzying heights of the highest book section in the library of my mind. But right now, right here, all i know is that i am fulfilled. Fulfilled in knowing what my purpose finally is. No longer do i have to find a reason for accomplishing something, such as out of a vague sense of family honour, or attainment of monetary gain. I have it.
And that brings me back to you. Logically, i dont know what it was that so attracted me to you. Besides the obvious problem, I barely knew you for about a week before we were separated again. But something about you sparked something in me. A spark that lit itself ablaze. And let me speak frankly, it wasnt sexual in nature. I'm not even sure it was romantic in nature at first......And 5 years later i still believe i am not sure what it is....