Sunday, February 17, 2013

I'm still not over you

 I asked you out on a date. You politely declined. I wrote you a letter and confessed my crush. You politely rejected it. I asked you whether you could ever look at me in a different way other than being a friend. You politely, directly, emphatically, felicitously, laconically said no. This all happened in the space of almost two months. The last event happened nearly two weeks ago. And i have tried hard to adjust to the role i have been given. Of being friendzoned, yet again.

 It didn't seem like that big a problem. In a lot of ways, you make for a good friend. You get my humour, which is always a big thing with me. You get the jokes, the subtle jabs and the ironic sarcasm i use. You react very pleasingly to situational jokes that i build up to. Most people i know wouldn't even last the building up part. We share a lot of common interests, though not necessarily in actual interests, rather categories of interests to a certain degree. Like movies, serials, comics, music, etc which you don't mind talking and discussing about. And you're also a brilliant Whatsapp companion, due to the aforementioned qualities and your penchant for choosing appropriately humorous smileys.
And, it isn't as if i've never been friendzoned before. I have. Quite a few times actually. In fact, a friend of mine once called me 'Mr. Friendzone', and proclaimed that if God ever chose to make a guy with all required qualities needed for a guy to be friendzoned, he just had to take me and throw out my sarcastic and anarchic tendencies. My experience with the matter is so high, that i saw all the telltale signs of a potential friendzone situation about to happen, before i even wrote my letter of confession. In many ways, i was already preparing myself to follow the same routine i had followed in the past, when a girl i might have liked took a needle to the balloon of romantic possibilities, before i sent you the letter. The only thing that surprised me at the end of the whole debacle, was that you could so nicely and genuinely ask me to continue being friends, despite having all the justification in the world to cut me off and label me as a neurotic stalker freak.

And so, by the time a week had passed, i believed we were well on our way to establishing a totally platonic relationship. And, to seal the deal, i started opening myself, or rather, forcing myself to look for other prospects to occupy my time. This isn't meant to sound anywhere near being Casanovic (Ooh look at that!! I made a new word!! Lets call it blog author's license. Casanovic - Having Casanova-like tendencies), because with all sense of self-respect, uh, i'm not, will not, and, for all sense and purpose, CAN NOT be a Casanova, even if i tried. Rather, anything and everything that could fill up my time, hobbies, entertainment, even work/studies, i gobbled up as much as possible. I even started engaging in conversation with people i hadn't or wasn't able to give much time or thought to before.

It was around then that i started talking to a particular girl, with whom i had had the pleasure of meeting once, very fleetingly, in Aizawl. She had become acquainted with my mother and brothers during a brief stay in Chennai while i was keeping my father company in Aizawl. We contacted each other through Facebook and built up a nice rapport. She was cute, very impulsive and was very nice to engage conversation with. She, like me, had a flair for searing sarcasm and acerbic satire. At some level, there may even be a mutual attraction. This rapport shifted seamlessly from digital conversation to auditory conversation and we started talking about relationship related topics. She sardonically offered to set me up with one of her friends and we even engaged in a bit of playful, innocent mock-flirting.

But then it happened. Fully aware i was just kidding around with her, and i'm sure she was too, i suddenly stopped the flow of conversation and, for no particular reason, told her that it wasn't possible for me to date anyone at the moment. Her curiosity aroused, and my tongue already set loose by our warm-up conversations, i went into a 5-minute long unscripted, unprovoked, unprepared explanation of my personal code of ethics when it comes to relationships, and how i was very awkward at focusing on more than one person at a time, especially when my feelings for the other person was muddling up my every other thought.


Funny how those moments of self realisation can creep up on you when you least expect them to.
It was like a stamp on to my consciousness from the sub-consciousness.

For Some Reason
For Some Unknown Reason
For Some Unknown Possibly Bizarre Reason
You were not being forgotten
You were not being marginalized in my thoughts
You were/are different than the others  i have ever had to go through the situation with.
(Cue - The Rasmus' Not Like the Other Girls in the background)

It doesn't even make sense that you are, for the same exact reasons it didn't make sense that i had started obsessing so much with you in the first place. We never met enough times to establish a physical (And i don't mean in a sexual way) connection. The few times we actually did meet, were probably the furthest thing from romantic interludes that two people can have while still forging a bond of some sort. You aren't, in the classic sense of the word, the most 'beautiful', 'pretty' or 'sexy' crush i have ever had (though this has NEVER been a criteria for my feelings towards women, the only reason i even mention these qualities is because i'm trying to find an equitably shallow reason for having a shallow crush). I don't know nearly enough about your mannerisms, your likes and dislikes, your quirks and qualities to proclaim a 'deep' and 'introspective' connection with your personality.

It doesn't make sense that i always imagine your stuttering laugh as you read a good joke, more so when its one of mine.
It doesn't make sense that i always imagine your eyes looking back up at me like you did when you were walking down the stairs before me when we went out the one time,
It doesn't make sense that i always think about you randomly being an airhead, and how i would love to be there when you run into a wall, and how i would rub your head and ask if you were alright with a wide smile on my face.
It doesn't make sense that i imagine how uncomplicated being in a relationship with you would be for both you and me, how nothing would need to change in how comfortable we were with each other before and after being in the relationship.
It doesn't make sense that i imagine all those sneaky, romantic tricks and surprises that i would be able to pull on you and how you would love them.
It doesn't make sense that i secretly believe that i could carry all your burdens and problems and would love to be the first person there for you if you ever needed somebody.
It doesn't make sense that i secretly hope that you would be able to deal with all my bullshit and be the person that i need, my muse, my cornerstone.
It doesn't make sense that i wonder how a first kiss would be, not to mention the 100th. Of course, it plays out perfectly in the theatre stage of my mind.
It doesn't make sense that i wonder how walking with you would be like, would we hold hands? Would we have that aura of warmth that all couples who are infected with the amphora of love seem to have as they stay within inches of each other, no physical contact needed to convey the security of having the person you love right next to you.

It doesn't make sense, even though it makes perfect sense. Even though i know, this is how crushes are supposed to be. Even though i know, that this is all me making stuff up in my head. Even though i know, that all i'm doing is writing an imaginary romance novel in my head, and not a good one at that either.
It doesn't make sense, with all my previous experiences and stoneheaded nature that i can fall into this trap one more time.
It doesn't make sense, with my brooding nature, my defeatist outlook and nihilistic tendencies, that i would still be so persistent with this flame, this flicker of a possible mutual emotional connection.

Is it that i have become more shallow as my teenage youth slips further away when it comes to matters of the heart? More easily susceptible to falling deeper into the pit of prospective love? More impulsive and stubborn than ever?

Whatever the reason, No matter how pathetic and hopeless it makes me look and whatever step i take from here on in, No matter how embarrassing this might/will be to remember and read again in the future, the fact of the matter is this. That, right now, without a shadow of a doubt, I, the sarcastic, cynical, anarchic me,



Mizohican said...

Now THAT is what one calls luangliam'ing :D

Been there done that, I know how you feel bro. That's why they call a crush a crush. Because she crushes our hopes and dreams. Women, bah! :D Hehehe, and yes, don't remove this post, after a few years, you will look back at your emotional outburst and laugh at it. A walk down memory lane. My blog has a lot of such posts too :)

Njldst said...

It might even be a few months lol

Anonymous said...

great writing. has 'she' read this? and still not reciprocated? if so, there's nothing more you can do, bro. :)

Njldst said...

No, i haven't shown this to 'she' >_< But i think i've already reached the point of 'nothing more i can do' :)

Anonymous said...

what are you waiting for, then. seriously. ;)

Njldst said...

You mean for me to show this to her?? Ha2, it never was meant to be shown to her. Atleast not now. She's made her feelings on the issue quite clear, and i get where she's coming from, though that doesn't help with the frustration. This post was just me letting off my steam more than something to be shown to her ^_^