Closure

Closure. If this particular stay in Mizoram has to have a bookmark to remember it by, it would be Closure.

4 women who I have been more than attracted to.
3 women who I been IN love with.
2 women who broke my heart.
1 woman whose heart I broke.
1 stay in Mizoram after 4 years of carrying a weight, albeit a WELCOME weight in my heart.
1 stay in which all 4 stories were given a certain amount of closure. Chapter emphatically closed.

     The first, my first ever crush. In my ignorant innocence, and in my infinite unluckiness, turned out to be my cousin. The first girl I ever revealed my heart to, and the first person who taught me that by calmness and a friendly touch, the storm within can be quelled.
                            Married. To a man who can hopefully give her what she deserves. May their lives be blessed ^_^

     The second, my only solid relationship till date. The first girl I truly fell in love with. The one who returned my love completely. And to date, the only girl who I unknowingly fell OUT of love with.
                            2 years of heartbreak and heart mending, and she can finally look me in the eyes and tell me that she is over me. I will forever feel deservedly guilty, but atleast now she can move on. I pray and I hope, that she finds the man she truly deserves, and who deserves her too.

     The third, the closest to a close call I’ve ever had. The first, and so far only, girl who became one of my closest and most honest friends in this list. The only girl with whom I could completely be myself with. And the first one to break my heart.
                            Finally in a relationship that she seems to be happy and comfortable in. One of her own choosing, and not one thrust upon her. She’d kick my ass if I tried to bless her relationship :3 but I do hope she has made the right choice.

     The fourth, the only girl I have ever truly desired. The ONLY girl I fell in love with first before knowing for sure the person that she was, and falling even deeper in love with after. The girl who desperately makes me want to be more than myself to be able to get her, while at the same time, makes me want to be just myself, because I truly believe that I have become the person I am in my life, for the kind of person that She has become in hers. The girl who made me forget the pain I tried to cover up and who ended up mending my heart while I was searching for others to do the same.
                             Friendzoned. On the phone first. And now, finally, face to face. At the one date I could finally get with her. Not the way I wanted it to go, but the way I planned it to go. Because I wanted to know that I had tried everything, said everything I could to her. In person. (Though, I ended up not doing the one thing she inspired me to think up. The Dramaqueen act ^_^) I have no idea how things are going to be for us from now on, but atleast she now knows exactly where I stand, and I know, for sure, exactly where she stands.
                             
                                  Closure. And for the first time in YEARS, I feel free.

Some people say you can love only once truly in your life. But I’m only 24 this year. And these 4 will always remain in my heart. I may not be IN love with them anymore or won’t be in the future, but I will always, always, love them.

 

Soulbond

The moment of bliss
To share with me in my moment of climax
The surge of feelings in my bosom
Unreplicable, Indescribable
Selfish need to unselfishly yield
And surrender the extravagance of the soul
To one who may experience the supernova
So personal, so intimate
That connection that can be had
And the thread that ties in between
Passion incarnate, lust clutched within
Shadows of dust, bone and flesh
It is the fire that melts us that matters
And shines on in our spirits combined
Years of dull grey and monotone rhythm
For that one moment when our souls may bond
And to find the one who partakes of moment savoured
And after thought remains in mind, heart and soul.

Imperfect Perfection

This is a whimsical post in the sense that I’ve thought about and wrote about in the space of a few minutes.  So basically I’m putting this up on the basis of my current state of mind. So I might quite possibly probably embarrassingly regret putting this up later. Besides, it’s a silly old mouldy topic, one that I may have touched on several times before too, in this blog.

STILL, I’m putting this up.

Now, a fair warning. This is first and foremost a personal post. Based on my personal feelings and my opinion FOR myself. And secondly, this post is about love, specifically about what I think, right now, constitutes my requirements for a relationship. So for anyone not interested in reading a self-obsessed article about one of the oldest and most well documented topics in history, stop reading now.

NOW, quite simply put : I want a woman, and if possible, a relationship with a woman who GETS me. Knows me, understands me and accepts me. Yup. The old cliché. God, this article is so old news. But here’s the catch, I’m actually going to explain how that works.

It seems like a very simple concept, and also a pretty much straight forward one. I assure you, its not.
When people normally say this, they mean it in a very vague sense.
How complicated could it be? Well lets see.

First off, the person has to know me. Which means the lady has to have an idea of who I am with atleast a fair bit of knowledge about what I am, the way I do things, and the things I like too. This suggests a fair bit of socialising (or stalking)
Secondly, the person has to understand me. Understand why I do the things I do, say the things I say and behave the way I do. Again, this means that the person has to have an understanding of me. Also, it would require that the person must atleast be basically similar to me, because only someone who’s got a personality with some common traits with mine could understand me.
Thirdly, and this is the doozy one, the person has to accept me.

So basically, if I know the qualities that attract me to a person, and that person seems to like me back, is that enough?
If I find a girl who’s interested in the things that interest me, can hold a conversation with me and have a fun time with me, and vice versa, shouldn’t that be more than enough?
 Sadly, its still a no.

Again, when people normally use the phrase, I want someone who gets me blahblahblah, it seems like an attempt to seem deeper than the apparent shallowness of saying I want a hot chick or I want someone for their physical attributes but their inner being. BULLSHIT.

Those who know me well, know that I believe that attempting to shun the notion that outside appearance is important is simply not right. Its against nature. Its against the basic primal laws that govern us as living creatures. Do I say that looks alone matter? That the beauty without is most important? NO. But, Looks DO matter.
Initial attraction aside though, should it pose a factor afterwards? Yes, and it does. Look, first off one must have a clear idea about one’s own looks and standards. Not be vain OR humble. I personally know that there are people who consider me fairly good looking, and there are those who just go meh at me. So, if the person looks significantly better than a person of my standard would usually attract, I will obviously feel a bit cautious. NOT intimidated, cautious. How could she like me? What if some Tom Cruise wannabe comes along? Same goes with a person who may seem intellectually forward as compared to oneself.

You HAVE to be attracted to the one you profess to love. That’s how you differentiate love from like, from admiration.

And (this is the part which might be a controversial), for the ones who might not be exactly upto my standard? (I sincerely mean this in the least vain, asshole way possible, BELIEVE me L) For the ones who may completely totally accept who I am?
Then you get the feeling that the person is TOO dedicated, TOO in love with you. And believe me, its not a good thing. Maybe it is for those who want a very simple, straightforward, no-obstacles-smooth-running relationship. NOT for me.

So basically, what I want is imperfect perfection.
Someone who IS like me.
And who may give space for that imperfection, but someone I still love enough to want to improve on the imperfection. And that in turn would affect her the same way too.
A relationship that is natural, that happens to be so damn good, not because the people in it are trying too hard to change things to make it that damn good. But because the people in it are trying their best of their own accord, BECAUSE the relationship is that worth it.

And man, is it f*cking rare.

Want to know why?? Because if you look carefully, It is waaaay too similar to the definition of a perfect friendship. And people will scoff that I’ve got it mixed up.
But I haven’t. Because somewhere somehow, the perfect relationship is also the perfect friendship.

These revelations have basically doomed me to forever be unsatisfied with anything lesser.

To anyone who actually does find this relationship, You are the luckiest two people on the planet. In your own way. Kudos.

Hold 'em Tight, Push 'em Away

I push people away. 2 Specific types of people. The people i want to push away (obviously), and The people i would love to love.

You see, when i tried to take my life all those years back, when i was at the utmost bottom of my life, i was dead inside. I lost my feeling for everything and anyone.

It was as if nothing was real anymore.

Which is the only psychosane way i can explain why i JUMP at "Real" any chance i get now. Whenever i feel something real, especially when its something alien and unexpected, i just dive into it like a Bee to Nectar.

You, my closest friends, anyone i feel any sort of connection with, i rush into stuff. I squeeze you all so hard before even letting you get close enough to me to hug me back.

Because i know its real. And because i know that its something worthable.

But one lesson i've learnt over time, is that something can be genuine, but it doesn't mean it can be shared.

Especially love.

Bullshit, the stuff that they feed people in Romantic novels, Movies and Love songs.

I used to think that if i ever fell in Love with someone, and it was genuine, then it just had to happen. That love was symmetry. That love was poetic justice. That even if it didn't, it was because i didn't find a way to convey the authenticity of my feelings and emotion to the other person.

Cold hard reality is that I may feel something completely real and cling to it like crazy, doesn't mean YOU feel it too. Not because of any fault of mine, or any defect on yours (pfft). But just because. Just because.

Love isn't symmetry, it has to be made symmetry.

I found out with HER, and i've reaffirmed it with YOU. And sometimes, HER much more than YOU, is because i rushed in, took away the wind from the sails because i was so excited at finding something so incredibly fulfilling, something so hauntingly beautiful.

And i end up pushing you all away.

Widen thy Scope, Mizo Fresher!!

Its the end of the educational year/semester, and most people who have just passed out of school have found out how well or unwell they've performed in the most stressful and pivotal moment of their pre-teen years. The time to embark on the collegiate journey has just begun, and now is the time when they flit from one part of the educational spectrum to another, flicking through all the college brochures and filling in College admission forms. Most of these kids would just be happy to get into a decent college, with decent surroundings. A select few, who have probably been preparing long before the exams were even written, are aiming to get into the prestigious and well-known institutions either abroad or local.

But this post isn't about the choices you make in terms of your Degree, your major, or your educational institution. This post is about the attitude and the awareness that i believe many kids, Mizo kids in particular are very ignorant about.

People, I realise that you have been brought up to believe that the decisions you have to make and are yet to make in your life are based on some easily definable factors. I realise that you have been programmed from birth to accept life is lived in a certain way and that the circle of life is very foreseeable. And based on this, you have been left with some very narrow pathways to go down in your life. The traditional Engineer-Lecturer/Teacher-Doctor/Nurse-Government Officer/Worker system is still very much alive in Mizo Culture. Which is why people find themselves confined to the subjects that they choose in College in a very mechanical way.

This is WRONG!!

Look, i'm not trying to point out faults in the Mizo socio-economic upbringing system. In fact, in the present scenario, i completely agree that those particular jobs are probably the most efficient ways to settle down in Mizoram as of now.

What i'm saying, rather is that to limit yourself, if only at the College level atleast, to an archaic and downright boring pathway, is a crime and a shame against the notion of nurturing creativity.

To give a clear example of what i mean, i'm going to compare the Standard Loyola College Mizo Student experience with my own experience when i did my UG there.

Unlike some colleges in North India, in Loyola we directly choose the subjects that we have to major in rather than choose 3 options and confirm by the last 2 semesters. I chose Sociology.
Every year is split into two semesters. And in each semester we have major subjects, which are the common subjects for all Sociology students, and the minor subjects which are choice based and deal with subjects outside of, while still related to Sociology. For example in one semester i chose to take Public Administration while others chose History of Freedom Movement.
Now apart from the core major, there are several extra and intra curricular activities that are compulsory for getting credits. Like the social work related Outreach department, and the Clubs that we have to join.

Now THIS is where it gets interesting. Most kids go through their entire college life just doing the bare necessities to get through college and get a degree, and in doing so, they miss out on a huge part of the college experience. I'm not just talking about the cultural activities or social interactions.

I joined a club called AIESEC when i was in Loyola for the first 2 years. Most people dont even know that such a club exists in Loyola. Even i found out about it after a bit of digging around and contacts i had within the club. My AIESEC experience will forever be one of the defining ones of my life. AIESEC, as it turned out, was a global non-profit organisation that is the second largest after the UN in terms of countries it is active in. We basically dealt with facilitating internship opportunities to people within the AIESEC networked countries. Long story short, i got the chance to interact with a lot of foreigners, a lot of different people from different global backgrounds, took part in national seminars and conferences, while also learning the nuances of being part of the running of an international organisation. I know AIESEC has a murky rep in other cities, but for anyone who is based in Chennai and opines about the conservativeness of the city, AIESEC is a godsend.

In my third and final year, i joined the Loyola Society of Debaters(LSD) and took part in various National Debate competitions and got he experience of travelling to different institutions in India and, again, interacting with various people, not to mention learn the entertaining academic event of Parliamentary Debating.

These were NOT part of my compulsory studies and i could have easily joined a basic club like the Chess club or the NCC and got through the course with minimal effort. But, being a part of those two clubs helped define my perspective and my personality development much more than any other academic venture in Sociology did.
I have become a much more confident person as a result of these experiences, become much better at interacting with people and at my social skills too. I was able to make contact with people from diverse backgrounds and different departments.

And beyond this, there are so many opportunities available in College where one can avail internships or exchange programs and visit various other places and experience unique moments in your college life.
And there are also various academic activities that help build up one's resume if one was interested in it.

Alas, 99% of all Mizo students who i know that have passed through Loyola, not only choose the most basic path, but do not express the desire to explore various avenues in their college venture.

In the upcoming year, i will try my best to encourage every Mizo Fresher who comes to Chennai, to think broader and be open to more options. You don't have to change the destination, but you can make entertaining detours that help make reaching your destination a much more exciting journey.

The Art of Life

Facebook share. Pretty interesting. Got a few likes and a few dissonant comments. Didn't really give much of a thought to it at first. But then when i accidentally clicked the source file and went to the original picture post and saw the nature of comments there, it made me start to think a whole lot more deeper into the symbolism of the picture.

Art, i believe, should never be completely defined by the Artist. The greatest works of art, whether they be paintings, movies or music, are ones that speak to the soul of the audience, visually or aurally, and stir up feelings inside the heart of the viewer. Great art isn't shoeboxed into certain interpretations or opinions, it isn't defined by critics or the artist him/herself. It is experienced differently by everyone who feels it.

And beyond the experience of the gallery, the artist himself cannot shoehorn his piece of art into a particular corner of creativity. Because, when one creates a work of art, one basically makes material what his/her immaterial soul feels at that point. And we as humans, change from moment to moment in how we feel. Therefore, the state of mind and heart that the artist may have been in when he chose to start it, when he is in the process of creating it and when he is done finishing it, can never be truly constant.

This painting was done by Adolf Hitler. Probably the greatest mass-murderer in History, modern or ancient. One of the most reviled figures of all time. So, should this painting be judged as such? As a work of art that is forever tainted by the Jew-hating, Megalomaniacal legacy of its creator?

I think its a nice painting. Gives off a pleasant feel and captures the mood very well. I'm a christian by the way. And i really have no issues with Jews. 

Explain the Aurality

The Farewell Program for the year 2013 by the Chennai Mizo Welfare Association was held today. The amount of musical talent in the CMWA has noticeably increased to the point that there were 9 people given slots to sing songs, not to mention the 4 songs performed by the live band of the night. Almost all of these songs were Mizo songs, and ranged in musical variety between the traditional mizo songs to the funk and bluesy-rock of the live band. All of the songs were sing-along-able and had catchy, poppy tunes. And in the midst of all this, i performed a Guitar instrumental and an improvised on-the-spot solo to a backing track. Awkward much.

The Instrumental, titled Stellar Sea Shore, was a psychedelic-ish spacey instrumental, which was me putting to sound what Batty describes when he says "I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate" at that climactic final scene in Blade Runner. The jam right after that was based on an 80's style Hard Rock Ballad in E minor scale backing track. It was pretty ok, considering i had written the instrumental just 2 days before the show, and that the jam session was pretty much on the spot, Whitesnake-y feel et all. Feeling pretty ok with myself, i stepped off the stage.

Cue the polite handshakes and smiles of unsure appreciation. But then, the more people kept giving me the line "Didn't really get what it was about, but it was good. You are so talented", the more this thought nagged at me to reply. See, when it comes to the 21st century generation, especially in the mainstream Mizo audience, people just don't GET guitar driven music anymore, whether it be Rock, Metal or otherwise. And the frustrating thing is, they have all the requisites to be able to get it, more than any other generation. More than ever, music in almost every other genre has been influenced by the Guitar in so many ways. And i don't just mean in the collaborations with mainstream rock guitarists like Slash and Santana either. Dubstep, which has taken the world by storm via Skrillex, is a digitised, souped up version of the breakdowns found in more basic, primal forms in Hardcore and Funk metal. Pop music now contains atleast one notable guitar passage in its formula, and Rock itself has evolved AND condensed to the extent that its sub-genres are all unidentifiably clustered into single songs. And the way people feel the songs. People listen to music varied as the Harlem Shake and The A Team, and react to it in the same basic way, the music moves and you move with it.

Now, the million dollar question is this. Why can't people apply the same to Guitar driven music??

Honestly, the reactions to the sounds made by the guitar are probably the ones which are most primal and SHOULD be inherent in all animals, let alone Human beings. The reason why Metal will have as much staying power as Classical Music, though they are centuries apart in conception and propogation, is that it speaks to the core of the psyche. Not just the lyrics, not just the compositions, the music is something which just should BE.

My theory for this? Its because people try to UNDERSTAND it. And its partly the musicians and the scenes' fault. People have to "study" how to play the guitar, "memorise" the scales and modes and "follow" music theory to get the whole contemporary rock scene. Then you have the "technical" metalheads who think that only timing and precision is key. The irony is that the entire Rock and Metal scenes started out being the opposite of all this. It was all about being part of a movement and culture where we could just be ourselves, and portray our innermost socially unacceptable personas. And it didn't have stereotypes to hold it down. Its good to have an identity and some icons to stand out, but music should not be used as a culturally discriminating factor where people HAVE to follow the code, like throwing the horns out or moshing. The music i love, i can dance to, i can gyrate to, i can FEEL. Its not about knowing whats going on in terms of the notes and genres, its about LISTENING to the music, FEELING it and letting it free in you. Think of it as waves and motion, as rays of light and walls of sound. The brain-y part is also important, such as the lyrics, the concept, etc, but the HEART is where it is at.

Don't try to make sense of music, Try to empathise. Picture it, Imagine it, Reach out to it, and let it envelop you.

(Btw, for those who may be interested to check the performance out : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi8WeIG1nxM)