Blessed Curse

  For me, to Fall in Love with Someone would mean to achieve a state of being, where your heart and soul are devoted, at least partially, to a person of the other sex (in my case, female) due to various factors, physical and mental attraction being two of the foremost of them and which goes beyond just an initial surge of hormones and curiosity, and that is most genuinely tested by time and perseverance. To Fall in Love with Someone doesn't always lead to the opportunity to love that someone, much less to BE loved back by that someone.

  It is a Blessing that i can say that i have experienced Falling in Love, Being Loved and Having been Loved. It is also My Curse to say those same exact things.

  To those who underrate the power of the emotion of Love, to those who scoff at the notion of Romance, believe you me, when you fall into it, there is no pit deeper, no mountain higher, no cliff steeper than the chasm you will feel open inside of you. A tornado of feelings that swirl around you as you sit in the middle of the eye of the storm, the wind filled with cheesy cliches, emphatic achievements and unforgettable moments. You will be driven to perform feats you only ever dreamt of doing, you will be pushed to perform actions that challenge everything you ever thought you knew about yourself and you will be both stronger and more vulnerable than you have ever been.

  When you achieve that Nirvanic moment when all three come together, you enter a period of Bliss where everything you thought that was right about the world will seem to just show up on your doorstep, and every small event that involves you and your partner will be given an added touch of Destiny. Every action you do, every commitment you make and every resolution you adhere to will all turn out perfectly how you want them to. Every movement your partner makes, every moment you spend together will be Perfect. You will understand each other completely, you will learn more and more amazing things about them and when you're with them, you will feel that you are the closest to being perfect than you have ever been or ever will be. Dreams will be shared, Objectives will be re-assessed and Schedules will be combined. Even when you're not with them, you will think about them, and how everything around you seems to have some quality that reminds you of them.

  The feelings, emotions, events and moments you will go through during this period are completely original, unique and irreplaceable. In short, you will never have the same experience more than once. Similar maybe, but never the same.

  And as i have experienced all these things, i have been cursed that i will forever remember these things even as life mundanely starts over again, day by day, moment after moment. Even after that someone has left or been left, even after your separation has been finalised with conviction and stamped down by the spectre of distance. Even after hate starts entering life, along with cynicism and negativity, nothing will ever truly compare to the rush that is had when you are in Love. How will i deal with it? Will i shut myself off from the world, resigned to the fact that i shall never replace those feelings again? Will i pursue it in other avenues, desperately seeking that elusive ambrosia. forgetting everything else along the way? I don't know yet, I'm still seeking it out....

Intrusion of Privacy - The Blitz Invasive

Previous Acquaintance serves as the Invitation Card
Distilled Beverage plays the role of icebreaker
In a moderately lit, medium size, mediocre inn
So near and far from our homes, both the departed one
And the other soon to be arriven.

I do not keep close watch, nostalgia grips me.

Three in number, Modest in clothing
Smiles wide, arm stretches out in clasp of friendship
Caretaker welcomes the welcome faces
That provide a vague memory of companionship past
And of ones mayhap be forged anew.

I notice them, interest unpiqued.

Consumption of intoxication, with froth and frolic
Recount Tales of times past and forgotten
Some are vivid, others probably hallucinated
As sharpness of mind dulls with passage of time
Appendages under it are set more free.

I survey them, lopsided thoughts asunder.

The Seed are proclaimed, vaunted and touted
Of large girth and Smart build,
A blessing from Jehovah and continuation of legacy
Attention is turned to the fledglings of the nest
Appearances are straightened to please.

I smile at them, half attention turned to future joy.

Eyes glint and Smiles Widen,
"Yes, the growth seems good and the height seems right
But what lays out may cover soft inside", he proclaims
And changes direction of face to mine
Partakes another sip of declining wine.

I frown at him, focus shifts to his active pose.

Dark silhouettes alone remembered,
Not a line of face or impression of features
Not even the size or depth of body figure
As elder hand darts out a sudden
And catches the collar with a jerk

I squirm, thrown upon false hope of comfort.

Laughter abounds as shoulders are pinned down
Boozen breath encompasses all smell
And hand stretches down to lower tunic
Clasping metal key to portal of privacy
And pulls sharply down to pry open

I grimace, small smile hides growing fear.

PRIVACY VIOLATED, NO WARNING WAS GIVEN.
INVASIVE BLITZ, NO SHIELD WAS SET UP.
MANHOOD REVEALED, IN ALIEN GRASP.
CAUGHT OUT AND PULLED UP, PUT ON DISPLAY
THE AIR IS COLD, THE TOUCH IS CHILLING
BLOOD RUNS COLD, SHAME GROWS QUICKENING.
TEST OF MASCULINITY,
PROBING OF SANITY,
THOUGH THE MOMENT IS FLEETING,
HIDDEN HATE LASTS ETERNITY!!

Shuffle and Sweep!

Time slows down, Surroundings blur, Noise gets zoned out and your body goes limp in the arms of 'The One' as he hoists you and carries you into the sunset. Congratulations you have just been swept off your feet. And Congratulations, you're a Drama Queen.

Now now, before you call me a fuddy duddy unromantic stick in the mud, i have nothing against this particular scene. If two people are actually able to enact this scene naturally, and share a special moment in their lives, more power to them. I personally would love this happening to me in the future, though how long i can hold the lucky damsel (or is that unlucky) in my arms would be a predicament.
What i do have an issue with, is that people, and not just women, believe that it is some sort of stamp of approval for 'the relationship'. Some even take it to mean its a sign of a romantic story that ends with a Happily ever after. I've been in two relationships and both had similar circumstances and moments played out. Take note that the last sentence was written in the past tense.
Are you sure that you want to stake the entirety of a relationship, with its complexities, little nitpicking moments, misunderstandings and adjustments, on one sole, admittedly special moment? No matter how perfect its played out?

While men obviously want to make the best impression on women and will try their best TO sweep them off their feet, i think i can say on behalf of most men, we'd be pretty happy with just a shuffle of the feet in our general direction. It doesn't even have to be a confident pitter-patter of excitedness. A nervous, clumsy stumbling shuffle is many a times more comfortable for the guy himself, who isn't exactly in his comfort zone either. When you think about it, how can he be? When his actions and demeanour are measured against the standards of such stalwarts like Clark Gable, James Dean, Brad Pitt, Richard Gere and Hugh Grant.

Men truly interested in a relationship are not looking for an instantaneous 100% satisfactory response. The woman that looks dreamily into the eyes of a guy she doesn't even know that well, and says she loves him just because he gave her one special moment doesn't sound overtly healthy.
Contrary to popular belief, we can actually play the deep, patient, understanding partner if given the chance. But to do so, we would like a little nod to show us the way. It doesn't have to be an obvious signboard with blinking fluorescent lights, just a little sign of approval that can make us feel like we're not obsessed stalkers as we go about dedicating our life, piece by piece to another human being who hopefully shares her life too.

I AM a romantic. I believe in the whole old school Chocolates, Flowers and Walking hand in hand through a Garden shtick. But i have to admit, the whole sweeping off the feet thing is an impossible situation, the way most women imagine it to be. The 'right guy' does not just pop out of the blue, the Knight in Shining armor doesn't always come riding in a White Horse. Sometimes by the time he arrives, he's removed his armor, thrown away the sword and shield and gotten off his horse so that he can stand face to face with his princess, and feel her touch as he hugs her passionately. And most of the times he's a person you've already known in your life, but never looked at in a certain way.

Sometimes the feeling of getting swept off your feet doesn't happen with a guy in a tux and a girl in a gown in a perfectly lit evening with a romantic background and gasping cheering onlookers. Sometimes it happens as you sit side by side watching a show together, as you walk in a crowded street with the guy making way for the girl.
Sometimes, the sweeping off of the feet comes AFTER your relationship is solidified and you know that you can truly trust the person you are standing with, or hovering in the air in his arms with. And in many ways, that can be THE most special way of being swept off your feet.

Note : This is just me rambling on, not self-referential at alllll >_>

Dear Bette Davis Eyes

I know that this probably won't ever reach you. I also know that even if it did, its probably redundant considering the fact that my feelings for you aren't exactly a secret to you, or to a certain few friends of ours. But even though i did say i really liked you, and you acknowledged it, i never really got to explain the way i feel or how these feelings came to be. I'm not overemphasizing it, i know that this is probably just a crush because we barely got to meet that much (even though the few times we did were an unexpected pleasure) and we both don't even know that much about each other, the nuances and subtleties that make a person who he or she is. I also realise that this, being a crush, is probably just the product of a fervent heart and feverish mind and the way i look at you or portray you here is purely from my feelings. But i do know that these feelings are strong, atleast for now, and it helps me when i get these things off my chest and mind, atleast onto a written form, no matter how embarrassing they might turn out to be later on. So, here it is, my mind, soul and heart laid bare at this particular moment, for this particular experience in my life.

I don't know when the exact moment i started finding you attractive was. A little secret is that i found you adorably cute back when we first met, with your shy nature and sweet smile and your few extra pounds. But back then, and i'm not saying this just to excuse myself, it would take me another 2 years to actually develop the maturity to be truly attracted to a girl, lady or woman in a not-so-innocent way and if i am to be entirely honest here, i was in the middle of a childhood crush at the time.

Maybe it was when we met each other again out of the blue after such a long time, and how we didn't recognise each other until our parents started talking to each other. Maybe it was when we had a reunion of sorts over coffee with our mutual friend and your sister.

What i do know for sure, though, is the exact moment that you hit me like a ton of lead bricks falling from the sky and left me completely dumbstruck. It was outside of a church, right after a wedding service and i was standing on the roadside close to the entrance of the church waiting for a few of my friends to get ready. Hands in my pocket, wondering about the reception that was about to happen and thinking about how i was going to get my car out of that traffic mess.

I innocently turned my head to look around at the crowd.

To be honest, i don't even remember what you were wearing that day, the colour, the type of dress, the length.

I remember your eyes. We were standing atleast 10 feet away from each other, around 15 people between us. And I remember your eyes.
Half closed, with that oh-so-subtle natural smokey seductiveness that i can't stop noticing since then.
Your Bette Davis eyes.

And your smile. Kind of crooked towards the right, not too showy but showing just enough emotion to know that you were happy. Your hands were folded, arms outstretched down the front and you were holding something in your hand. Your back was arched in an angle that wasn't straight but wasn't too curvy either.

I like to think that it was when you saw me seeing you that you smiled but i'm not entirely sure, but it was when we made eye contact (or atleast when i made contact with your eye) that everything stopped moving.

The world froze for 2 seconds.

I remember us making conversation, but it was just words giving excuse for a chance to stand beside you and be looking at you without being overbearing or feeling like a stalker.

After the event, I brushed it aside. Logic took over. Too many things to consider, too many things that blocked me from you. And i covered it up with thoughts of everything that was affecting my life more pressingly then.

But the seed was planted. Even when my friends set me up on dates, even when i tried my best to be as openly available to relationships and flings.

And then i left town.

'Your blog is good' *Note* If you want to get a guy's attention, knowingly or unwittingly, there is no better way than appreciating something he considers a creation of his own. Especially when its an internet venture fueled by artistic expression and isn't obviously accessible. Who knows how you got to know that i wrote a blog, much less be interested in checking it out, but in my mind that set a few wheels rolling.

Yes, i posted the link on my Facebook profile, but few people even know such a feature exists. And even if they did, how many people actually check out another person's details and profile that thoroughly unless they were atleast a little bit interested. 

Damn the fact that you could've just been idly passing the time randomly checking out people's facebook uploads and statuses, damn the fact that you were probably just being polite.

In my mind, it was like a sign. Lol. I just had to lol right now, sorry about that. *Cough**Cough*

There are an unlimited number of ways i can portray myself as unworthy for wooing someone's affections. I used to do it all the time. Variations of "i'm not good enough"+"she won't get me"+"Our circles are different" types of reasons. But since the time i've been going on dates, i've matured in a way that i can choose to protray myself and not be affected much with how the person reacted because in the end i'll always have me, and i don't want to ever be hitched to a person i can't be myself with. 
It was so natural when i went out with you. In a totally unnatural way. I've been in relationships before, i've loved and been loved. I've been in awkward situations where i had no idea how to go about them, and i've been in totally easy situations where everything was properly controlled. When you let me take you out, it SHOULD have been an awkward situation. It SHOULD have been me stumbling around, uneasy and nauseous. But it wasn't. You were an unknown variable, still probably are. I didn't know what you liked, how you went about doing things, how you preferred to talk. But you made me want to find out. You still do. Even when i asked you out on a date, and you politely declined, i SHOULD have been naturally backing away. And maybe its really superficial of me to base my reason not to on this, but you smiled and you looked at me when you did. Do you know your nose twitches a bit when you get nervous? Do you know that you have a slight clumsiness about you when you walk? Especially when you go down a slope? Do you know that you have the most comfortable way of being nervous?

I don't regret a thing that happened or didn't happen, obviously i wished that something more substantial came out of all this, and sometimes i wonder what would've happened if i had played the bad guy when i had the chance. But i didn't. I played me, with you. And i'm happy, because i was able to be me, with you. I also wonder, were you ever really yourself with me? Not just trying to adjust to me, or portraying a persona that you thought suited the occasion and my company? But that was your choice, and i can do nothing but wonder.

And maybe this won't go any further. Maybe i'll forget you and we may never meet again. Maybe we'll keep in touch and become friends and totally familiar with each other laughing about the time i thought about wooing you. Or maybe, just maybe, something might happen. Maybe the dream i have of a lady in front of me, on top of a castle, with a lake reflecting the full moon in the background, looking back at me smiling, in a silver gown turns out to be you. Maybe the laughter of the girl running through the green fields on the slope of icy mountaintops, turns out to be yours. Maybe the touch of the woman's hand on mine as we sit in front of a fire in a cottage alone at night, as crickets mate and firewood crackles, turns out to be yours.  

Everything, or Nothing, as long as it is Something, and not just Anything.  

Farewell, Not Goodbye Lyrics

I take a picture off the wall
We're all there laughing, having a ball
Without a care in the world
As I sit down and reminisce
All the times we laughed and cried
It doesn't seem that far away
Memories that we've had
Memories that we've made
I hope they wont fade away

As i pack my bags and walk away
There's something in my mind I wanna say

(chorus)
This is our farewell but this isn't goodbye
Look at all the time we shared
Look at how we lived our lives
You will always be in my heart
In my deepest memories
Even in the hardest time
You were always there for me

I take a walk down memory lane
Will we ever meet again?
How much will we have changed?
Though you may be far away
Your memories they will stay
Every moment, every day

As i pack my bags and walk away
There's something in my mind I have to say

(chorus)

You can say so long
You can say take care
But promise me wherever you go
I'll be there
Even in the hardest times
Even in the steepest climb
I'll be there for you

(chorus)

A moment of clarity (methinks)!!

I am a selfish man!! The following post is an account of a conversation i imagined myself having with a certain person (who shall not be named) after having an epiphany in the place where most epiphanies seem to happen, the bathroom. 

The visit i had to Bengaluru for a concert proved to be a very enlightening and pivotal experience for reasons that are more varied than aural satisfaction. I addressed an issue that has been nagging me for the better part of about 5 years. After i had this conversation the first instinct i had was to address it to the person in a letter stating the importance and significance of the events and thoughts that had occurred. This, i realised, was the first of several instances that contributed to me coming to the conclusion that i am a selfish person. Sure this event was incredibly important and significant. In fact, i am sure that even after a few decades, i will look back at those moments i spent in the shower and realise the important pivotal significance they had on my life and the choices that i have yet to make. But this importance was for me and me alone. To that person, it probably would be something to look back and laugh at, if she (oops!!) looks back at all. But i just had to get it off my chest and there could be no way for me to do this without addressing the person concerned. Another instance of my selfishness. So therefore, reasoning with myself, i came to the conclusion that i post this in my blog. As such what is posted following this is an account of my thoughts as i wished to send them to the person in the letter or whatever choice of communication i would have chosen and therefore i will also be using a personal addressing of first person to second person conversation :

Dear (......)

                 I know this is kind of weird of me to contact you this way especially after the conversation we had at the end of our little outing. But i realised something only after going home and thinking the whole situation over. This letter to you is just a way for me to let off some steam so for all sense and purpose, you have no obligation to finish reading this. I just HAD to send this to you to get it off my chest and since i didnt have the confidence to meet you, or more specifically, i know that i would be completely tongue-tied and incoherent if we actually met about this, so selfishly i chose to send this to you in written. (Ed note - which i couldnt manage to do at all, heh). One thing i felt needs to be said is that you and times ,me myself, undervalue the significance you have had on my life. When i said you were like a puzzle, a conundrum or a paradox that i HAD to fix in my head, i was probably understating things. You see, first of all the reasons that i, after 5 years of basically skipping or going crazy over these particular thoughts, decided to finally face you about it are 2 in major number. 

Firstly, recently i have entered into a relationship of romantic terms with a person. I think i can truly love her. At the very least i believe i am dedicated to her and this relationship. Thus, stuff which i psychologically used to ignore regarding you before and the impact you have on my life were suddenly huge barriers for me to personally advance forward in the relationship. For example, there is a song that i composed recently. Its a short 2 minute instrumental with simple progressions. But a lot of emotions went into its creation. And though i have named it in honour of her (yes i am not gay), i cant help deny the fact that even though me starting on the composition was solely driven by my thoughts of her, the actual completion and working out of the structure was due to an amalgamation of my thoughts of her and you. You can see how this poses a personal problem for me. 

Secondly, i am at the eve of my final year in college as are you. Or atleast our bachelor degrees (which according to my parents is all i need due to their insistence on my future Indian Civil Service Career, bleh!!). For normal people who are at this same position (of which you are most probably a part of), its just another stepping stone in the path to an uncertain future. But not for me. You see, when i attempted at a vague point about 4 years in the past to commit suicide, a part of me DID die. I vaguely remember that the only reason i am still alive for the most part today is because of something one of my 'aspects' asked me to consider, that there is a reason beyond mere survival that people lived and that i should dedicate myself to finding it, and if possible, enjoying it as well. As such, i believe that none of the usual vices that entrap man have any grip on me. Stuff such as Money, Alcohol, Drugs and even sexual satisfaction, which we can probably put under Human afflictions actually have that much of a hold on me beyond what i need to survive. So, if i am permitted a moment of self posturing, i can say that only so-called heavenly afflictions concern me. I can honestly say that if i help a friend or hold a baby or even love a person, i do it for the purest of intentions unless there are other hands at work, in which case human afflictions again are the factors and they are alien in nature. Anyway, that means that i do not have a particular ambition as such that can truly drive me for any monetary or seemingly society driven value. The allure of the Indian Civil Service no longer affects me. Nor does the desire to obtain any particular financial position or any position for the purpose of, as my dad puts it, attaining 'respect, power and influence' over people through the Civil Service. So i'm kinda stuck in a rut about what to do with the rest of my life.

Now the conclusion of all this is that we met. And we discussed. And yes, it felt amazing being able to get it off my chest properly face to face with you. But then, something started nagging me. And it was back to the old thinking cap and hey, i had about 4 days to properly and freely think about it. And the darndest thing that i came up with is this....and get ready for this because this is a whopper : I want to be a Father!!!

Yup, a father!!

No wait, it doesnt mean i'm a psycho who wants to hump everything that moves just to get babies/has no probably getting babies in return (and hopefully never). I truly wish to be a father for , what i believe to be, the noblest reason possible. No, i'm not insane, neither am i being incredibly narrow, in fact i believe that i am free. I am freed of all those insanities that others follow or choose to follow in some bid to find meaning in life as quick as possible. I mean, i always believed that to truly attain enlightenment, one had to go back to the very basics of nature, to the very basics of what and why we truly are. In that journey i came across many options and desires to go back to our primal self and based on that, i can truly say that i believe i have found what i have been looking for.

I want to have a son. Or a daughter. And i promise to be the best father possible. I know thats a cliched line but its true. My unique upbringing and my mentality ensure that my offspring, my flesh and blood will be truly brought up in the best way possible. Once, in one of my abstract, aspect related moments, i believed that i was the second coming. That i was something truly unique and destined for greatness of some kind. I now know that i was wrong. It isnt me who is destined for greatness or to go down in history, my task is to use the unique experiences i believe i have gone through to bring up a child that is truly great. And no, this isnt a megalomaniacal cry to bring up a 'perfect' successor. No matter how 'flawed' he or she may be, i will truly with all of my heart and soul love him ,her or them. I will give them the upbringing that i always wished i had. One where EVERY road possible is opened, where no one can say, this isnt right or this isnt possible. It doesnt matter if you or anybody else thinks i am a maniac or i am crazy. Because all that matters is that i dont. I have been to the deepest, darkest depths of depravity possible, and i have also seen the light at the loftiest pinnacles of existance and belief. I am quite possibly the most open minded person in history, and though i may be struck down by lightning for saying this, more so than even God. I would not desire any form of reward from my children. My love would truly be unconditional. And if my theory is right, you and your kin will be perfect, perfect not as the world, natural or human views it, not as some supernatural being perceives it, not by some book, holy or not, but by me. And i believe perfection is imperfection. As it is, i realise that i truly am the paradox, the conundrum, the puzzle in my head. I know that all that is required to bring this whole thought and will of mine down, is the breaking of just a few rungs of the ladder that i have propped up to reach the dizzying heights of the highest book section in the library of my mind. But right now, right here, all i know is that i am fulfilled. Fulfilled in knowing what my purpose finally is. No longer do i have to find a reason for accomplishing something, such as out of a vague sense of family honour, or attainment of monetary gain. I have it. 

And that brings me back to you. Logically, i dont know what it was that so attracted me to you. Besides the obvious problem, I barely knew you for about a week before we were separated again. But something about you sparked something in me. A spark that lit itself ablaze. And let me speak frankly, it wasnt sexual in nature. I'm not even sure it was romantic in nature at first......And 5 years later i still believe i am not sure what it is....

Children - Puppets??

In today's world in my view and in things that i have viewed, parents are more demanding than even the actual aims or goals which they try to force are. A parent believes that whatever they do for the child is for its own good and since they birthed the child it is their choice that should be given first priority in life. Why are children considered to have lack of ambition or goals in today's world?? Because from the age that they can understand language and comprehend speech, they are forced the ambitions and goals of their parents which prompts me to ask, are children to be treated as heirlooms?? As responsibilities instead of a living breathing soul who should also have his say in his life?? Granted, children do not truly understand what is good for them, but that does not mean a parent should take away or dash their dreams away. For god sakes, even the parents of today for all their talk of how they had it harder in their day, actually had it easier. Atleast, from wherever thaey came, from small streets or bad houses with bad lighting or whatever "unthinkable" conditions they came from at least had the liberty to choose and know what they could do in their lives. It almost seems sometimes that the parents worked hard only for their own gains and then force children that they bequeath to follow a set pattern of life that they believe is right.

Think about this : A child who wishes to become a bus conductor because he thinks it would be fun to ride a bus all day does not necessarily become a bus conductor. Let him have his dreams and so called ambitions instead of wiping them away roughly. When a child is threatened or scolded or even "adviced" on such matters the child can believe his choices are either not good enough or that their parents become bully's. Both ways, it is a negative impact on the child...